Compassionate Counselling
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Breavement and loss issues
Grief can express itself in many different ways, often with very powerful, frightening and confusing, and sometimes contradictory feelings; also it is common for those feelings to arise unexpectedly and disappear again. Although no two people’s experiences will be the same, below are some of the common feelings which you may experience at different times in your grief.
The mourning period is the time when you process the effect the loss has had on you; and is the time when you can re-adjust to life at your own pace; however much those around you may want make you feel you ought to ‘get over it’.
Compassionate bereavement counselling can help in the mourning process.
You may find that you feel calm and rather detached. This is particularly the case when a loss happens very suddenly without any warning. Shock can be seen as a protection system to cushion the blow, to allow the reality of the loss to sink in. Once the initial shock has gone, there is a phase when you may find that it is difficult to acknowledge the loss, and at times you may ‘forget’. After the death of someone close, many people find that may think they see the person or hear a sound that makes them think they are close. This searching often happens when we least expect and can be very painful, as it reminds us of our loss.
You may be feeling great sadness both for the person who has died or is dying, as well as for yourself and for what you have lost.
Traumatic events can make us feel helpless as we have been unable to prevent the loss or death of someone close to us.
The loss of someone close can make you anxious and tense with unspecified fears that mean you feel more unsafe. You may fear you will break down or lose control.
You may be asking Why has this happened?' and 'Why has this happened to me?' It is often a wish to find someone or something to blame.
You may find this leads to powerful feelings of anger and guilt.
There may be times when you feel that it is hard to find anything to live for and feel there is little point in going on. You may feel that everything is so confusing that you are losing your sanity. This, though painful, is a common experience.
Sometimes clients say.....
"I feel very angry, he died without........."
"Why weren't the doctors more honest with us? We might have been prepared for the inevitable and now I'm left with everything to sort out"
"I'm an orphan now! I know that sounds silly as I'm in my forties"
"He speaks to me" " I can see him sitting there in the chair"
"People seem to avoid me, in the street, at work. Somehow I'm expected to get on with life, I had my week off for grief and now I'm supposed to be back to normal and not even cry when it hits me"
"It's been a year now yet I still miss her as much as I did when she died"
All these responses and many others I have heard expressed and are quite normal for someone in grief. They are the expression of the underlying feelings that can be experienced in grief.
Every human being is different, so the response to death and loss takes many forms and occurs over different periods of time. Not everybody will have the same feelings and responses.
There is a process, a journey that must be undertaken if there is to be a healthy readjustment to the loss, otherwise it becomes buried in the psyche and eventually will inevitably emerge at a time which may not be helpful.
Sometimes clients say..........
"You know I had no idea it would happen, I don't know what I am going to do at my age"
"I can't understand why they chose me, I'm going to fight this"
"The future looks really bleak, I've so many financial commitments, I don't know where to turn"
"Looks like I'll lose everything now, the marriage was shaky before, she'll take the kids and the house will have to be sold and I'll finish up with nothing"
These are common responses to redundancy when the emotional investment in the job has been strong. The process can be about coming to terms with the bleakness and discovering hope and finding new opportunities.
Sometimes clients say........
"We don't seem to be able to talk about it, every time we attempt to, we have a row"
"It's OK for him with his young thing, leaving me with the kids and the debts"
"I had no idea he wanted out, he seemed to be happy"
"I feel so lonely with nobody to talk to in the evenings. Going out is no good, everybody is in couples or trying to get off with somebody"
Familiar responses in a society that is heavily weighted towards the couple relationship.
The process is largely about finding one’s individuality and being comfortable with aloneness.
Sometimes clients say......
"It's hard not being able to do basic things, it's not as if I even look ill"
"Just to go to the corner shop needs planning as I don't know whether I shall have the energy to get back home"
"I can't bear to ask for help, anyway everybody is so busy with their own lives"
"I don't get any help from the doctors, they can't or won't tell me what's wrong, even with all the tests"
"You know when I was really going for it I couldn't understand what people were on about when they talked about fatigue, god do I know now with ME!"
"Being in a wheelchair at this age people look at you wondering what's wrong, you sense they are frightened in case they get it"
Illness and loss of mobility can often bring a sense of isolation and feelings of fear about the future and of becoming dependent on others.
The process here can be about being OK with less than 100% health and mobility.
Also about being willing to understand that you can provide an opportunity for others to give help.
Sometimes clients say.......
"I was so active when I was at work, even had plans for the future when I retired. Now that it's come early, I don't know what to do on my own"
"I don't seem to be able to get a routine, it was easy when I knew what time I had to be at work and what meetings I had to attend, now what?"
"I made a big contribution to the company, now I don't feel anybody wants me. I have thought about doing charity work but nothing really grabs me"
Feelings of being unwanted, on the scrap heap in a society that pays so much attention to worth based on having a job or career.
The process can be one of discovering one’s inner values and qualities; many these can be of value to society and creates an opportunity for contributing without looking for a financial reward.